Deciding to Be Maternal Without Being a Mother
One of the themes you’ll find running through these pages is that motherhood is not just a physical state but a state of mind. You can choose to give birth to children or choose to give to others. In either case, this decision shakes you out of a completely self-involved mind-set and enables you to mature as a leader. While becoming a mom was a nobrainer choice for me, deciding not to become a mom is a no-brainer choice for others. It may be that you have not found a partner with whom you want to have children or you believe that you’re simply not the type of person who would make a good mother. Whatever the reason, if you are convinced that this would be a bad choice for you, don’t let me, or society, convince you otherwise. Not everyone should be a parent, and if you have strong instincts against this, listen to your instincts.
If you choose not to become a mother or life’s circumstances prevent you from having children, find other means to attain the leadership lessons of motherhood. Oprah Winfrey, for instance, is incredibly nurturing and empathetic as well as a very powerful CEO, yet she has no biological children. In a recent interview, Oprah says that she is focusing a portion of her $1 billion net worth on helping “the world’s children.” She is devoting her private time to help build 12 schools for girls in Africa. “I went to Africa to create the best Christmas possible for kids who’d never had one, kids who didn’t even understand the concept of a present, and the joy in that room was so thick you physically feel it. And in that moment, it hit me. Now I see why I am not married. Now I see why I never had children. I am supposed to work with these children.” (Limbacher, 1)
Another childless executive, Sue Palmer, the managing director of London-based accounting firm Grant Thornton, is quoted in Susan Hewlett’s book, Creating a Life: Professional Women and the Quest for Children, as follows:
Round the time I realized I would most probably not get married and not have kids, I met this industrial psychologist... He told me that to remain strong and vital, I needed to find something in life that could be as important to me as children. If I could do this—find some interest that had deep, personal meaning—it would force me to balance my life. Otherwise, there was a danger my soul would shrivel—I still remember his exact words—and I could become some kind of one-dimensional workaholic. This conversation had such a profound impact. I mean, I just knew he was right. (Hewlett, 70–71)
While some women are absolutely certain that they do or do not want to have children, many are on the cusp. One day they worry that if they don’t have kids, they will regret it, and the next they are so enmeshed in work issues that having children seems completely unrealistic.
Be aware, also, that a couple of the maternal leaders I’ve interviewed were dead set against having children at one stage in their careers but changed their minds later on. Priscilla Lu, who was an executive at AT&T and went on to become the chairman and CEO of InterWAVE, a high-tech company in Silicon Valley, said that she was adamant about not wanting kids and shared this sentiment with her colleagues. When she got married, though, she changed her mind and decided to have children. She recalled:
My first pregnancy was pretty traumatic. When I found out, I was shocked. I was worried how I was going to handle being a mom. It was very overwhelming. I knew my life was going to be very, very different. I wasn’t 100 percent sure of my decision. I went into a sort of denial—like, “Nah, this isn’t happening.” But when Douglas was born, my fears went away. Everything did change, but it was wonderful. I guess it’s Mother Nature. I don’t know where my nurturing side came from, but I immediately felt passionate love for my son and went on to have two more children.