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25 Ways to Win with People - Part VII

A Closing Word from John

All my life, I’ve believed that anyone can learn to win with people. All it takes is a belief in people and a sincere desire to help them. I hope that after reading this book, you believe that too.

We also hope that you will embrace the practices Les and I have endeavored to teach. If you have already tried some of them out, then you’ve probably already discovered that they really do work. If you want to learn to master all of them, then here’s how I suggest you proceed: put yourself on a twelve-week program for winning with people. After starting with you, select two of the practices and do them every day for an entire week. If you do that, you will go through a process where you will . . .

1. Become conscious of how that winning way works,
2. Learn the basics of how to do it,
3. Practice it until you master it, and
4. Begin to make it a habit.

You may not feel instantly comfortable doing some of them, but there isn’t a single one you can’t master. And of course, keep adding other practices that you learn on your own or from others. You can never learn too many ways to win with people.

Here’s to your success: may you keep winning by helping others win.

25 Ways to Win with People - Part VI

LES . . . ON BRINGING IT HOME

Researchers call it a “commitment script.” It’s part of a person’s life narrative that is particularly meaningful and personal. From my own experience and from numerous studies, I can attest to the fact that when you tap into it with another person, when you take the time to explore it and remember it, you will make an extremely valuable connection.

To apply John’s teaching to your own life . . .
Forget about:

Telling your own story and listen to the story of others.

Ask:
What’s your story?

Do it:
Bring up some aspect of a person’s story the next time you see him or her.

Remember:
Everyone loves to tell his story.

25 Ways to Win with People - Part V

JOHN . . . WITH A MAXWELL MENTORING MOMENT

There are so many good reasons to learn a person’s story. Here are just a few that keep motivating me to continue this prac- tice with others:

Requesting a person’s story says, "You could be special."

Remembering a person’s story says, "You are special."

Reminding a person of his or her story says, "You are spe- cial to me."

Repeating a person’s story to others says, "You should be special to them."

The result? You become special to the person who shared a story with you.

There are really just three small steps when it comes to embracing this practice in order to win with people. The key is to cultivate the habit of actually taking these steps with the people in your life.

1. ASK

When you meet someone new, after the introductions and initial pleasantries, don’t hesitate. Dive in and ask to hear the person’s story. You can do it any number of ways: you can flat-out ask, "What’s your story?" You can request that he tell you about himself. You can ask where he is from or how he got into the field he’s in. Use your own style.

If you’ve never tried this kind of thing before and you worry that it might be awkward the first few times you do it, then practice with people you are unlikely to see again—the driver in a cab, a passenger on a plane, a waitress in a restau- rant. Once you become comfortable asking questions of total strangers, the rest will be easy.

2. LISTEN

Years ago I came across a list of suggestions for good lis- tening. (I think I clipped it from Bits and Pieces.) Here were some of the tips:

• Look the speaker in the eye.
• Be attentive—don’t roll your eyes or grimace when you hear something you don’t agree with.
• Don’t interrupt—try phrases like "Go on" or "I see" instead of "Now, that reminds me . . ."
• Tell the speaker what you think you heard; begin by say- ing, "Let me see if I understand . . ."

The main idea is to really focus on the other person. The problem many people have is that while the other person speaks, they are thinking more about what they want to say when it’s their turn instead of focusing on listening. When you give people your undivided attention, then you are in a better position to achieve the next step.

3. REMEMBER

Some people have a knack for numbers, others for names or faces. But just about everyone has the capacity to remem- ber stories. Small children remember them. And stories have been recited and sung from memory for thousands of years. Even long stories, such as the Iliad and the Odyssey— believed to have been created nearly three thousand years ago—were sung for three centuries before being written down. Stories stay with us.

A couple of years ago, the conference department at Injoy received a letter from Ellis Brust, formerly of St. Michael and All Angels Episcopal Church, that tells the power of remem- bering a person’s story. Here’s what it said:

One of my leaders in the church has just opened a fran- chise fast-food place in the small East Texas town of Gilmer. He is in business with two other men in the church and they are committed to running the business with sound Christian principles. I took him to hear John three or four years ago and he recalled John’s Nordstrom’s stories [about how their employees go the extra mile]. He has tried to train his employees using these principles.

On the first week of operation, he overheard two lit- tle old ladies talking about the soft drink selection and one of them was disappointed that there was no Diet Dr. Pepper offered. He spoke with the woman who was dia- betic and preferred Diet Dr. Pepper to other diet drinks. He got in his car, drove to the 7-11, purchased a six-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper, took the woman a cup of ice and a can of the drink. He told her that there would always be a case of Diet Dr. Pepper in the refrigerator with her name on it, and she just needed to tell the person at the counter who she was and what her beverage preference was and she would get it.

The shocked woman said, “Young man, I have been in this town my whole life. I have many influential friends and they will all hear what you just did for me. Thank you, and we will be regular customers.”

I thought you would want to know one small way your work is changing lives. Keep up the good work.

Was what the restaurant owner did a big deal? Did it change the lady’s life? No. In fact, we don’t know if he ever talked to her again or learned anything else about her story. But he made her feel special, and it served her well. If we care about people, really listen to them, and try to remember their stories, we can make an impact on them. And we can make them feel like a million bucks.

25 Ways to Win with People - Part IV

REMEMBER A PERSON’S STORY

Many a man would rather you heard his story than granted his request. —PHILLIPSTANHOPE, EARLOFCHESTERFIELD

LES . . . ON SEEING THE PRACTICE IN ACTION

"Les," John will say, "tell me about your dad. How are he and your mom doing since they moved to Phoenix?"

It’s just like John to recall that my parents recently moved.

"And tell me about your brothers," he’ll continue.
"What’s the latest with them?"

John always seems to remember my story—just as he does with so many people. He does it well, often, and consistently. When he has met people, I’ve heard him flat-out ask them to tell him their stories. So I asked him how he learned to be a collector of people’s stories.

"To begin with, I love a good story—whether I’m learn- ing about someone I’ve just met or hearing about an adven- ture from someone I’ve known my whole life. In fact, when I spend time with my dad, who is now eighty-two, our time is always filled with storytelling. We talk about the new things that are happening in our lives, but often the stories are ones I have heard dozens of times. Some Dad loves to tell over and over. Others I ask him to tell. Some I love retelling."

But you seem to go out of your way to get the story of someone you just met," I commented.

"That’s true. Whenever I have a few minutes with some- one," John said, "I ask him to tell me his story, because I know that time in the conversation will focus entirely on him, his interests, dreams, uniqueness, disappointments, questions, hopes—his journey. While that person enjoys the personal attention, I gain insight into the keys to his life. Learning a person’s story is a great way to connect with him. Remembering his journey and building on it is the greatest way to develop a strong relationship.

"Just the other day I took a taxi from the San Diego air- port over to Coronado. And I talked to the cab driver,” said John. “His name was Raphael. I asked him his story, and he told me that he had lived on Coronado thirty-five years, and there he had found something he’d not found anywhere else in his life: community. Every afternoon he meets his friends at a local market, where they talk and play games. He was so pleased that I asked and he was so delighted to tell his story that he invited me to the market."

That shows how great a connection you can make in a short time by simply asking people to tell you their stories. And just imagine the impression it will make when you remember each story: it will help you to reconnect with people very quickly.

25 Ways to Win with People - Part III

JOHN . . . WITH A MAXWELL MENTORING MOMENT

When most people meet others, they search for ways to make themselves look good. The key to the 30-Second Rule is reversing this practice. When you make contact with people, instead of focusing on yourself, search for ways to make them look good.

Every day before I meet with people, I pause to think about something encouraging I can tell them. What I say can be one of many things: I might thank them for something they’ve done for me or for a friend. I might tell others about one of their accomplishments. I might praise them for a per- sonal quality they exhibit. Or I might simply compliment their appearance. The practice isn’t complicated, but it does take some time, effort, and discipline. The reward for practicing it is huge, because it really makes a positive impact on people.

If you desire to encourage others by practicing the 30- Second Rule, then remember these things the next time you meet people:

THE 30-SECOND RULE GIVES PEOPLE THE TRIPLE-A TREATMENT

All people feel better and do better when you give them attention, affirmation, and appreciation. The next time you make contact with people, begin by giving them your undivided attention during the first thirty seconds. Affirm them and show your appreciation for them in some way. Then watch what happens. You will be surprised by how positively they respond. And if you have trouble remembering to keep your focus on them instead of on yourself, then perhaps the words of William King will help you. He said, “A gossip is one who talks to you about other people. A bore is one who talks to you about himself. And a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.”

THE 30-SECOND RULE GIVES PEOPLE ENERGY

Psychologist Henry H. Goddard conducted a study on energy levels in children using an instrument he called the “ergograph.” His findings are fascinating. He discovered that when tired children were given a word of praise or commen- dation, the ergograph showed an immediate upward surge of energy in the children. When the children were criticized or discouraged, the ergograph showed that their physical energy took a sudden nosedive.

You may have already discovered this intuitively. When someone praises you, doesn’t your energy level go up? And when you are criticized, doesn’t that comment drag you down? Words have great power.

What kind of environment do you think you could create if you continually affirmed people when you first came into contact with them? Not only would you encourage them, but you would also become an energy carrier. Whenever you walked into a room, the people would light up! You would help to create the kind of environment everyone loves. Just your presence alone would brighten people’s days.

THE 30-SECOND RULE INSTILLS MOTIVATION

Vince Lombardi, the famed Green Bay Packers football coach, was a feared disciplinarian. But he was also a great motivator. One day he chewed out a player who had missed several blocking assignments. After practice, Lombardi stormed into the locker room and saw that the player was sit- ting at his locker, head down, dejected. Lombardi mussed his hair, patted him on the shoulder, and said, “One of these days, you’re going to be the best guard in the NFL.”

That player was Jerry Kramer, and Kramer says he carried that positive image of himself for the rest of his career. “Lombardi’s encouragement had a tremendous impact on my whole life,” Kramer said. He went on to become a member of the Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame and a member of the NFL’s All-50-Year Team.

Everybody needs motivation from time to time. Using the 30-Second Rule helps encourage people to be and do their best. Never underestimate the power of motivation:

• Motivation helps people who know what they should do . . . to do it!
• Motivation helps people who know what commit- ment they should make . . . to make it!
• Motivation helps people who know what habit they should break . . . to break it!
• Motivation helps people who know what path they should take . . . to take it!

Motivation makes it possible to accomplish what you should accomplish.

One of the great side benefits of the 30-Second Rule is that it also helps you. You can’t help others without also helping yourself. Benjamin Franklin realized this truth, and he encouraged others with it. In a letter to John Paul Jones, Franklin wrote:

Hereafter, if you should observe an occasion to give your officers and friends a little more praise than is their due, and confess more fault than you can justly be charged with, you will only become the sooner for it, a great cap- tain. Criticizing and censuring almost everyone you have to do with, will diminish friends, increase enemies, and thereby hurt your affairs.

If you want others to feel good about themselves and to feel glad every time they see you, then practice the 30-Second Rule. Remember this: those who add to us, draw us to them. Those who subtract, cause us to withdraw.

LES . . . ON BRINGING IT HOME

Social psychologists have studied “first impressions” for decades. If you want to make an impression that is lasting and positive, we now know what works and what doesn’t. And John’s 30-Second Rule is one of the most effective means for finding success in this area. In research it’s called the “primacy effect,” and its initial impact goes a long way in making others feel connected with you.

To apply John’s teaching to your own life . . .

Forget about:
Searching for ways to make yourself look good. Instead, search for ways to make others look good.

Ask:
What positive, encouraging thing can I say to each person I will see today?

Do it:
Give everyone you meet the Triple-A Treatment— attention, affirmation, and appreciation.

Remember:
Within the first thirty seconds of a conversation, say something encouraging.

25 Ways to Win with People - Part II

PRACTICE THE 30-SECOND RULE

He who waits to do a great deal of good at once, will never do anything.
—SAMUEL JOHNSON

LES . . . ON SEEING THE PRACTICE IN ACTION

One of the most valuable lessons in winning with people that I have ever learned from John is the 30-Second Rule: within the first thirty seconds of a conversation, say something encouraging to a person.

John is a master at it. While I was sitting in a meeting at one of his companies a short time ago, John entered the room and within just a few minutes said something encouraging to each person around the table.

“David, I heard you hit it out of the park this morning on that conference call.”

“Larry, you are making me look so good with that consul- tation in Denver. Thank you.”

“Kevin, I just saw the numbers for April. Nobody else in the world sees and seizes an opportunity the way you do.”

“Les, I’m so glad you made the trip out here to be with us today. I know you’re going to add tremendous value to our discussion.”

Very early on, John had genuinely encouraged each one of us. And it seemed almost effortless. Since I was trying to learn more about John’s winning ways with people, after the meeting I asked John to tell me about what he did. That’s when I first heard the term “the 30-Second Rule.”

“I learned this from my father,” John said. “Years ago, he was the president of a college, and I would often walk across the campus with him. He continually stopped to say encour- aging things to the students. When I was tempted to com- plain, I would look at the students’ faces and realize Dad had deposited good words inside of them.

“People never forget that kind of encouragement,” John continued. “Yesterday I talked to my dad on the phone, and he excitedly told me about his many former students who keep coming to Florida from all over the United States to see him. He was surprised that they would go out of their way to see him, but I wasn’t. The 30-Second Rule that Dad had prac- ticed with everyone every day was returning to him big time.”

“I’ve seen you do this for years,” I told John, “but I never knew it was something you picked up from your dad.”

“I’ve learned a lot of great lessons from my dad. He’s an incredible leader,” John replied. “I practice this rule every day with everyone I meet. You see, someone once said to me, ‘Be kind . . . everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.’ People everywhere need a good word, an uplifting compliment to fire their hopes and dreams. It takes very little effort to do, but it really lifts people up.”but it really lifts people up.”

25 Ways to Win with People - Part I

25 Ways To Win With People: How To Make Others Feel Like A Million Bucks
by John Maxwell and Less Parrot
Nelson Business - June 2005
181 Pages - 0785260943


John Maxwell is a prolific writer with more than 30 books to his credit. For this excerpt, I pulled out 2 of the 25 ways to win with people.