March 4, 2005
Never Eat Alone - Part IX
Learn to Listen
As William James pointed out, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
You should be governed by the idea that one should seek first to understand, then to be understood. We’re often so worried about what we’re going to say next that we don’t hear what’s being said to us now.
There are few ways to signal to your listener that you are interested and listening actively. Take the initiative and be the first person to say hello. This demonstrates confidence and immediately shows your interest in the other person. When the conversation starts, don’t interrupt. Show empathy and understanding by nodding your head and involving your whole body in engaging the person you’re talking with. Ask questions that demonstrate (sincerely) you believe the other person’s opinion is particularly worth seeking out. Focus on their triumphs. Laugh at their jokes. And always, always, remember the other person’s name. Nothing is sweeter to someone’s ears than their own name. At the moment of introduction, I visually attach a person’s name to their face. Seconds later, I’ll repeat the person’s name to make sure I got it, and then again periodically throughout the conversation.
Never Eat Alone - Part VIII
Until We Meet Again
In order to establish a lasting connection, small talk needs to end on an invitation to continue the relationship. Be complementary and establish a verbal agreement to meet again, even if it’s not business. “You really seem to know your wines. I’ve enjoyed tapping your wisdom; we should get together sometime to talk about wine. We can both bring one of our more interesting bottles.”
March 3, 2005
Never Eat Alone - Part VII
Make a Graceful Exit
How do you conclude a conversation? During meetings and social gatherings, I’m often quite blunt. I’ll mention something meaningful that was said in the course of our conversation and say, “There are so many wonderful people here tonight; I’d feel remiss ifI didn’t at least try and get to know a few more of them. Would you excuse me for a second?” People generally understand, and appreciate the honesty. There’s also always the drink option. I’ll say: “I’m going to get another drink. Would you like one?” If they say no, I don’t have an obligation to come back. If they say yes, I’ll be sure to enter into another conversation on my way to the bar. When I return with a drink, I’ll say, “I just ran into some people you should meet. Come on over.”
March 2, 2005
Never Eat Alone - Part VI
Adjust Your Johari Window
The Johari Window is a model, invented by two American psychologists, that provides insight into how much people reveal of themselves. Some people are introverted, revealing little; they keep their window relatively closed. Other people are extroverted, revealing a great deal and keeping their windows open. These tendencies also fluctuate in different environments. In new and strange situations, with people we are unfamiliar with, our window remains small; we reveal little and expect others to do the same. If, on the other hand, the climate is safe and trusting with others that are similar to us, we share more of ourselves. Our windows open wider.
Successful communication depends, according to the model, on the degree to which we can align ourselves and our windows to match those we interact with.
Greg Seal, one of my earliest mentors who recruited me to Deloitte, brought this idea to my attention, and I’m forever grateful. As a brash, outspoken young guy, my window was wide open. Whether I was trying to sell consulting services to a shy CEO of an engineering company or working with that company’s rowdy sales staff, my brash, outspoken style remained constant. Back then it wasn’t clear to me why, for instance, the sales staff came out of meeting with me jazzed and the CEO couldn’t wait for me to leave his office. When Greg introduced the idea of the Johari Window, and the need to adjust how open or closed that window was depending on with whom you were speaking, it made perfect sense. Greg remained true to himself no matter whom he spoke with, but he delivered his message in a tone and style that fit that person best.
Every person’s Johari Window can be more or less open depending on the circumstances. And different professions— from those that demand a lot of interpersonal skills, like sales, to those that, like engineering, are essentially solitary—attract people whose windows share similar tendencies. A computer programmer’s window, for example, generally never opens wide unless he or she is around peers.A strong marketing person’s window, on the other hand, tends to be open regardless of the environment.
The key is knowing that in conducting small talk, we should be aware of the different styles at play and adapt to the person we’re talking with. I know I can be gregarious and fun and outspoken when meeting with the FerrazziGreenlight Training & Development staff. In a meeting with my loyalty-management strategy consultants, who are much more analytical, I ratchet down the excitement and focus on being more deliberate and precise. If we address someone with the wrong style, the window may close shut with nothing revealed. No connection is made.
Throughout my day, I come into contact with hundreds of different people, each with their own distinct communication style. The concept of the Johari Window has helped me become conscious of my need to adapt my conversational approach to each person I want to connect with.
One helpful technique I use is to try and envision myself as a mirror to the person with whom I’m speaking. What’s the cadence of their speech? How loudly do they talk? What’s their body language? By adjusting your behavior to mirror the person you are talking to, he’ll automatically feel more comfortable. This doesn’t mean, of course, that you should be disingenuous. Rather, it shows that you’re particularly sensitive to other people’s emotional temperaments. You’re just tweaking your style to ensure that the windows remain wide open.
Never Eat Alone - Part V
Develop Conversational Currency
When meeting someone new, be prepared to have something to say. Keep up with current events. Cultivate some niche interest. A single narrow specialty (cooking, golf, stamps) for which you have passion will have surprising expansive powers.
After business school, I indulged my passion for food and took a few months off taking courses at Le Cordon Bleu Culinary School in London. Back then, I thought it was a frivolous expenditure of my time. But my knowledge and passion for cooking that came from that experience has come into play time and again in casual conversations. Even people who aren’t that interested in food enjoy hearing my funny and sometimes embarrassing stories about learning my way around a French kitchen in London. What you talk about is ultimately less important than how. It’s edifying and interesting to hear someone talk about something they have a great interest in. Which means you can also talk about other people’s passions. My COO, James Clark, for example, climbed Mt. Everest while performing his duties virtually for all but the week he was summiting. The astounding stories he has told me about the experience are now excellent conversation fodder.
Just remember not to monopolize the conversation or go into long-winded stories. Share your passion, but don’t preach it.
March 1, 2005
Never Eat Alone - Part IV
Whether you spend five seconds or five hours with a new contact or acquaintance, make the time count. In Los Angeles, where I live, eye darters are a party staple. They’re constantly looking to and fro in an attempt to ferret out the most important person in the room. Frankly, it’s a disgusting habit, and one that’s sure to put off those around you.
The surest way to become special in others’ eyes is to make them feel special. The correlate, of course, is equally true: Make people feel insignificant and your significance to them shall certainly diminish.
Never Eat Alone - Part III
Learn the Power of Nonverbal Cues
You’re at a meeting when you turn to the person standing next to you. She turns to face you, and within a fraction of a second your mind makes a thousand computations. In that instant, you’re trying to figure out whether you should run, fight, or be friendly. What you’re doing, anthropologists say, is thinking like a caveman.
Deep in our genetic code, we are conditioned to be afraid of strangers. Will they eat us or feed us? That’s why we form first impressions so quickly; we have to decide whether or not it is safe to approach.
You have about ten seconds before a person decides, subconsciously, whether they like you or not. In that short period of time we don’t exchange a lot of words; our judgment is mostly based on nonverbal communication.
How do you get someone who doesn’t know you to feel comfortable talking?
This is not the time to play hard-to-get, keep a distance, or play mysterious. These all-too-common reactions may work for the likes of Marlon Brando, but for the rest us, such poses register as “keep away!” in our prehistoric minds. Instead, we should take the initiative in creating the impression we want to give. People are wowed by social decisiveness when it’s offered with compassion and warmth. How another person perceives you is determined by a number of things you do before you utter your first word.
First,give the person a hearty smile.It says,“I’m approachable.”
Maintain a good balance of eye contact. If you maintain an unblinking stare 100 percent of the time, that qualifies as leering. That’s plain scary. If you keep eye contact less than 70 percent of the time, you’ll seem disinterested and rude. Somewhere in between is the balance you’re looking for.
Unfold your arms and relax. Crossing your arms can make you appear defensive or closed. It also signals tension. Relax! People will pick up on your body language and react accordingly.
Nod your head and lean in, but without invading the other person’s space.You just want to show that you’re engaged and interested.
Learn to touch people. Touching is a powerful act. Most people convey their friendly intentions by shaking hands; some go further by shaking with two hands. My favorite way to break through the distance between me and the person I’m trying to establish a bond with is to touch the other person’s elbow. It conveys just the right amount of intimacy, and as such, is a favorite of politicians. It’s not too close to the chest, which we protect, but it’s slightly more personal than a hand.
February 28, 2005
Never Eat Alone - Part II
We all have what it takes to charm everyone around us— colleagues, strangers, friends, the boss. But having it and knowing how to work it is the difference between going through life in the shadows and commanding center stage wherever you happen to be.
So you weren’t born with that essential ingredient of charm, the gift of gab. So what? Few are.
We’ve all struggled with that ancient fear of walking into a room full of complete strangers and having nothing to say. Instead of looking out at a sea of potential new friends and associates, we see terrifying obstacles to the wet bar. It happens at business meetings, conferences, PTA meetings, and in just about every forum where being social matters. That’s why small talk is so important. That’s also why, for those of us without a knack for small talk, situations such as these that can help us meet so many others are also the situations that make us feel the most naked and uneasy.
And in this area, technology hasn’t helped one bit. Wallflowers see e-mail and instant messaging as a nifty escape hatch from having to interact with others. The truth is, however, that these new modes of communication aren’t particularly good for creating new relationships. The digital medium is all about speed and brevity. It may make communication efficient, but it’s not effective when it comes to making friends.
Yet some are able to negotiate social situations with relative ease. How do they do it?
The answer, most people assume, is that the ability to make successful small talk is somehow innate, is something you’re born with. While comforting, this assumption is entirely untrue. Conversation is an acquired skill. If you have the determination and the proper information, just like any other skill, it can be learned.
The problem is that so much of the information out there is flat-out wrong. I know too many CEOs who take pride in their terse, bottom-line behavior. They proudly assert their disinterest in “playing the game”; they revel in their inability to be anything but gruff.
But the fact is that small talk—the kind that happens between two people who don’t know each other—is the most important talk we do. Language is the most direct and effective method for communicating our objectives. When playwrights and screenwriters develop characters for their work, the first thing they establish is motivation. What does the character want? What is he or she after? What are his or her desires? The answers dictate what that character will and won’t say in dialogue. That exercise is not particular to the dramatic world; it’s a reflection of how we humans are hardwired. We use words not only to articulate and make concrete our own deepest desires, but also to enlist others in quenching those desires.
About ten years ago, Thomas Harrell, a professor of applied psychology at Stanford University Graduate School of Business, set out to identify the traits of its most successful alumni. Studying a group of MBAs a decade after their graduation, he found that grade-point average had no bearing on success. The one trait hat was common among the class’s most accomplished graduates was “verbal fluency.” Those that had built businesses and climbed the corporate ladder with amazing speed were those who could confidently make conversation with anyone in any situation. Investors, customers, and bosses posed no more of a threat than colleagues, secretaries, and friends. In front of an audience, at a dinner, or in a cab, these people knew how to talk.
As Harrell’s study confirmed, the more successfully you use language, the faster you can get ahead in life.
So what should your objective be in making small talk? Good question. The goal is simple: Start a conversation, keep it going, create a bond,and leave with the other person thinking,“I dig that person,”or whatever other generational variation of that phrase you want to use.
Never Eat Alone - Part I
Never Eat Alone and Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time
by Keith Ferrazzi with Tahl Raz
Currency Doubleday - February 2005
336 Pages - ISBN 0385512058
Never Eat Alone is a book about networking and how to do it effectively. This week we are going to feature excerpts from Chapter 17 titled "The Art of Small Talk". This is something I personally struggle with and thought it would great to share with the community.